Random Access Memories 2023
in this summer
this moment here
I see myself alone for the first time
my body pressed against the cusp of the world
i let go at the top
and for a moment
it’s my body
weightless
the ocean is upside down in my vision
the world inverted
your shoes in water
you throw your head back
and laugh
I’m privileged enough to think I can do something revolutionary
and I feel so guilty
for the pressure I put on you
to do something I think is meaningful
when
paying your rent is more than enough
My hands on my steering wheel, tires on fresh pavement
A hundred and twelve when I pass you on the freeway.
Eleven o three when you text me a link.
pretty girls
in big sweatshirts
the way just after the sun sets light reflects off everything
the ocean
the buildings
the trees
the asphalt
if all i can have is
moments of you, running down the street, looking back at me
if all i can hold is your hand
phone up for directions as you drive
In city blackness I reach for you
just tipsy enough that I want you to dance with me
under a sky of stars
that are really just windows
stretching into the sky
against you
as if this infinity is perfect
as if we have it all figured out
and I’ll leave school
and get an apartment in downtown
and curl up at the end of the day cradled under skyscrapers
taunt muscles
over shoulders
the way light fades before the sun stops hitting the mountains
the leaves, just barely orange
the stove
the map
on days like today I wish I was not a romantic
and on days like tomorrow ill fall in love with the leaves and the pop of the toaster and the way my keys feel in my hand
but when you sit across the table from me,
and look at me with those eyes and that smile and your hands on silverware
I’ll wish I wasn’t a romantic a thousand times over
she looks at me
“every person that ally bell is friends with is going to change the world”
I do not have to know where we are going
I only have to know
That I love you
And in this moment
I will run into nothing